Simple and Clean
by Aiko Isari
Summary: [02] Growing up is six parts mess and one part magic, and for her, that's all right. No one said it had to be a perfect way up. Companion to My Sanctuary, Noriko POV
1. Chapter 1

**_A/N:_** Hello everybody! _Ours _will be updated later today, or later tonight I should say. However, I finished this first part of the companion, and I wanted to get it out here before I forgot. I will update it as I finish parts, of which there are seven. The end is rather planned out. It's just getting there that is causing me grief. Otherwise, this would have been out two weeks ago. To those that are enjoying _My Sanctuary_ or did enjoy it, I hope I can give Noriko the same justice I gave Hikari. If you did not read _My Sanctuary_, you do not need to read that one first, but it will help a lot towards the end. Also, for those who might read the sequel, _Destati_, when it is released, it is imperative to read _My Sanctuary_, if only to know who the main character is and what's going on.

Dedicated to Higuchimon and my readers on AO3 specifically, as well as my good friend Edhla, who needs a new computer.

Warning for: Present tense, implicit homosexuality, alcohol reference, possible alternate character interpretation, and hints of a crossover (less so on this last one). Officially, this fic starts post Episode 50: "Our Digital World" and includes the "Summer 2003" and "The Door to Summer" CD dramas as well as the movies, all of which, including Hurricane Touchdown, I take as canon. It goes all the way to the epilogue, which, for the sake of this, is also taken as canon.

Footnotes at the end, optional as always. Enjoy part 1!

-Growing up is six parts mess and one part magic, and for her, that's all right. No one said it had to be a perfect way up. Companion to My Sanctuary, Noriko POV

* * *

_Simple and Clean_

**_I._**

Thanks for believing in us.

_Thank you for trying to believe in yourself._

She knows it isn't going to be easy after that day, after banishing a soul-sucking vampire, assuming the ride would be all simple and pretty was a prerequisite for a beating.

_It's harder than I thought._

She has trouble every day, because she knows what she's said and done, and she knows despite the forgiveness, she doesn't deserve any of it. She knows she was cruel, and she doesn't know how to be kind now.

Kawada Noriko spends a lot of time with Punimon alone, holding him close and watching people walk by in groups, envious, angry, but... not willing to hurt anyone now.

It is this conflict that hurts.

She is still lonely now, on the swing or the park bench. Even her friends avoid her now, because she has a Digimon and she pushes them aside without meaning to because they _don't. _

Trying to make them understand is just impossible.

Punimon doesn't care about them getting it either. Punimon doesn't care about anyone, like she doesn't care about many people.

_Does that make me a bad person?_

She doesn't know. She wants to know. She is scared to know.

She is scared because she spent a long time being selfish. She doesn't know how to be selfless, but she wants to be.

"What will I lose if I am?"

Kawada Noriko tries not to cry a lot more now that it is over. She thinks of Ken however, and cries, because he has friends and she is alone. Even with Punimon, she is alone.

And she doesn't know how to have friends anymore.

…

Punimon is never a good comfort after school.

He's always hungry and getting into things and she has to keep preventing him from eating the crackers in the _middle of the store _and leaving crumbs everywhere. A girl from the Digital World, Miyako, always scowls about it. It is never an angry scowl, more of a "I'm going to have to clean that up again" scowl that she seems to have any time a child with a Digimon comes in, even that one with the goggles. Or maybe she just dislikes them in general.

Punimon doesn't actually care about this in the slightest. He's too busy trying to reach the top shelves of food when he can't fly and Noriko has to keep him from ruining the ice creams by shutting himself in the freezer section.

Funny. She never laughs so hard as when he screams curse words at the door in his squeaky voice while he rolls against metal shelves. He glares at her so hard through the bruises on his spikes, but she doesn't care because it's funny and even a bit cute in its own way. Miyako does sigh and shake her head but behind the counter, someone giggles.

She doesn't know why, but Noriko finds it the sweetest sound she has ever heard.

She wonders what it would take to hear that sound again.

…

As it turns out, she forgets about this quickly, because school picks up again and her friends decide to pick her up again and all of Punimon's antics get regulated to being poked every time he tries to eat her bento for the day. It's a little less boring, and it is much less lonely.

However, it is also really freaking loud and sometimes she gets a headache from all the noise and all the people and how much the world hurts. The Dark Seed doesn't turn off and maybe she's not as smart now but she's still noticing things and they're still telling her things and it hurts to try and process the _sheer amount_ of things she observes at once.

She wonders how Ken did it as long as he did and didn't lose his mind.

…Then again...he actually _did_, didn't he?

She sighs. They were all great, big idiots. She was the worst of them, the greatest of the fools, the most easily brought in and thrown out.

She probably deserves what she gets.

So does she deserve Punimon?

The wind nips at her ears and she sniffles in the chill, not wanting to go home but not wanting to stay at school and being torn between two extremes of people and responsibility is horrible and she's scared to do it. So she sits here and mumbles her way through index cards and self-pity until there is the sound of agitated footsteps. Then Noriko rubs her eyes, pretending they were watering from the wind and not tears of shame and then finds a steaming hot meat bun in her face.

The person holding it out is barely taller than she is, but seems somehow much smaller, petite from being loved by everyone and suffocating under it. Brown hair, a cat in her arms, and gentle, every curve of her body is a gentle slope, this person gives off the aura of goodness.

It makes it even scarier that she's holding out a pork bun.

"You're cold," she says without much in the way of a "good afternoon". "It's not a good day to sit out here."

"Fine for me," remarks the quiet voice of her cat and suddenly Noriko recalls her. She is the one who wanted to be a teacher, in the Digital World. She has a very bright name, too... what is it?

Unable to recall, she takes the meat bun with a tiny emission of gratitude, causing Punimon to peek from his place in her thick jacket. "Mine?" he says without decorum.

"No," she replies affectionately without realizing that is her voice. "Pig."

The girl giggles and with a foggy reminisce, Noriko thinks she's heard the sound before. Her memory is poorer than her observation skills now, and she is wobbling trying to recall the other's name, let alone the familiarity of a laugh.

Soon, it doesn't matter because the girl is gesturing questioningly at the part of the bench next to her and Noriko is nodding before she can stop herself. Then the wood is vibrating because the white cat is purring so deeply at the affection being lavished onto her. It makes her laugh, especially when the cat pays no attention and Punimon huffs with a little well-placed jealousy until she tousles the spikes that make up his head.

The girl doesn't speak for a few moments, choosing to eat her meat bun with a quiet purpose that belies the entire point of the food. It is meant to be messy and defying that seems a bit like blasphemy. Then she says, in a rather odd, but peaceful tone. "It's not easy."

"... Sorry?"

"Trying to fit yourself back in," she clarifies with a small, sheepish smile. The other girl seems to realize that these are hard things to understand, but she wants to try and help Noriko anyway. "Once everything flips upside down, you never can go back. No one ever says so, but it's not easy or anything."

"Having a Digimon?"

"Growing up," says the cat, and the girl looks at her Digimon with reproach even as she pets the white fur.

Noriko thinks on this as she chews a piece of warm dough and meat. It's not easy, she says... so this is normal? "So... it's okay?" At the confused head tilt, she adds. "To be stuck? For things to hurt and be messy and just..." She trails off because she feels the last words are private and maybe not words at all. An ugly pink flush trails up her face until the girl says,

"Yes."

She says it with an equanimity that is envy worthy, a pleasurable sort of resignation in her eyes that belies her tone with an acrid black spot.

It's rather like the Dark Seed, and Noriko finds that endearing, even when the girl and her cat share a look of knowing dissatisfaction with something.

"Growing up is messy," the cat finally says because the girl has fallen silent. "Messy and complicated and sometimes not worth it."

"But it is," the girl mumbles, scratching fur once more. "It's good to shut some doors before the new air freezes the room. (2)"

Punimon grumbles his confusion at this statement and Noriko silently agrees but it's the look of peace on the other girl's face that stops her from asking. Besides, she thinks a part of her understands.

Everyone struggles, even the perfect-looking people. She's not alone. Even on the days she doesn't believe in anyone or anything, least of all herself, she is not alone in that.

It's okay to be a little messy.

They sit in silence a few moments more before the girl apologizes and is called away, called away by the same boy who makes a mess of Miyako's store.

When she goes, with the same distant sort of farewell that began the conversation, Noriko finally recalls what she was trying to the whole time.

That girl's name is Hikari, and she has a beautiful laugh.

* * *

**(1)** Pork buns, or _nikuman _(lit, meat manju),are a street food served in Japan served from about August or September until spring. Steamed, typically they are kept hot and sold in convenience stores during this time, but there are other kinds served throughout other seasons too, such as 7-Elevens out there serving a chocolate version. They were shown in Digimon Adventure 02 in episode 37, if I'm remembering right. There are recipes all over the internet too!

**(2)** Hikari is butchering a saying used in one of my favorite shows _Higurashi no Naku Koro Ni Kai_, which one of the characters says that it is good to let a fresh wind in and chase out the stale air, which is saying good things will happen from letting the outside in. Hikari is trying to twist it a little and say that there are some doors that need to be shut, so the past is able to be put to rest and not destroyed entirely. Unfortunately, Hikari is not very good at saying what she's thinking.

_Until next time!_


	2. Chapter 2

**_A/N:_**Hello! A Tuesday update! How rare. I love what happens when I can't sleep. This one is a bit less worldly than Hikari's. Hooray for Noriko's ordinary humanity! Enjoy and review guys! I love your comments.

* * *

II.

Middle school is absolute boredom.

She isn't able to put to words _why _exactly, but suddenly everything seems easier and the other students seem a lot slower than she she remembers her friends being. Maybe she's still siphoning off the Seed... though she has nothing left to want to do that for.

Almost like a bad dream, her earlier suffering has faded into wisps of details that are quickly wafted away by Punimon's spikes under her fingers and the voices of her friends who find Digimon eggs by their pillows when they turn twelve. She feels relieved and bitter and even a bit proud of herself for learning the right thing and earning a partner before they got one.

She is frightened, some of the time. She is worried, all of the time. Because things are still happening in that other world and she wants to go there but she's afraid she's not allowed to.

Because she hurt it, hurt it with her own despair and selfishness. Do those kinds of people deserve to be there?

"It's not about deserving," Ichijouji Ken had said when she tracked him down. "You just belong there."

She hadn't asked him why because at the time, it had felt like there was no answer.

Even now, Noriko finds that it doesn't. Now, when there is responsibility like carrying Punimon and keeping him fed and smiling in her general direction. Now, when she is able to hold up her Digivice and let it pull her through, she feels at home and decides not to question it. Otherwise, she might get it taken from her.

And that simply is not allowed.

Sometimes she wonders where Yagami Hikari is. Sometimes the wondering is intense, like the cramps that make it hard to leave her bed as a teenager. Others it is merely a faint curiosity, like the envy she has towards her friend's boyfriends.

Because as she grows older, she notices that her friends are pretty and she is not quite so much.

No, the feeling of being ordinary lingers still and with it, the pain of the barcode resting at her neck. Ken, who is now a constant pen pal and even more of a best friend, tells her that is probably all right because the pain never left him.

Sometimes, when the red pain clashes with bad dreams and the pull of hormones, she thinks the Dark Seed is a ghost, the ghost of evil and nearly-made sins that will haunt her because she is not a perfect being and, worse than that, doesn't want to be a perfect being anymore.

The girl with the beautiful laugh didn't look at perfection, perhaps because there wasn't anything to look at there. She had seen the flaws in Noriko, or the burden of them, and appreciated them. Or that is what it had looked like on that day. She doesn't know, because Hikari seems to exist as much as a ghost in the Odaiba area. She sees that girl Miyako all the time, but it is only in passing and Noriko doesn't talk to her. She irks her.

Maybe all those moments of seeing Miyako staring at her house have something to do with it.

Punimon wants to spit acid bubbles in her face.

Noriko knows that the acid is only about as dangerous as lemonade splashing your face, but she still says no.

Because it isn't right, and that is a clean-cut fact.

She still doesn't like Miyako, though.

…

Surprisingly, a lot of the times when she's in the Digital World, she rarely runs into any other children with the Seed. They are all probably busy going after their dreams. She has nothing more that she can do with herself at this point, so she throws herself into this multicolored world of... dreams, funnily enough.

The only one she sees with any way towards frequency is Keiko, who is learning how to bake here.

"Digimon will eat almost anything," she says with a giggle whenever Noriko sits and watches. "It doesn't really make them sick. But they have better taste buds than I do."

Noriko has to agree, watching her Punimon swallow a large bite of still piping hot bread. She grimaces, feeling the heat in her own throat.

Keiko flushes. "Sorry... forgot about that."

Noriko just grins.

Keiko is easy to talk to, she realizes, kind, not too invasive, but plenty of passion when she gets going. She's fun and safe and understanding. On some meetings, she envisions that Keiko is cute, in her own, looking-at-her-shoes kind of way.

But it's not what she's looking for, and Keiko knows it as well as she does.

Doesn't stop her from appreciating it anyway.

…

High school entrance exams are three months away and Noriko finds herself in the library with Punimon trying not to drool over her math equations.

At least he isn't snoring this time.

She pokes and she prods at the papers, trying to decide what school she should go to, what place to be in. She hates being smart once in a while because although the overflow has slowed since she was eleven, it hasn't dropped off the radar and is next to useless on nation-wide tests that makes geniuses sob. Okay, so Ken didn't sob about his, but his elite school isn't exactly known for being nice and he made sure she knew it.

Most complaining she has ever heard from him since, well, ever. Of course his best friend is even worse.

All things considered though, Motomiya Daisuke is a moron.

"Takeru, how the hell did you get _x _out of that gibberish?"

Speak of the devil.

She lifts up her book over her face as the aforementioned boy passes her, hearing him complain in dulcet tones to the blonde beside him. The other is sighing in long-suffering tones and trying to explain.

"Daisuke-kun, if you stopped thinking of food recipes and chemistry, you would know already!"

"I'm _good_ at chemistry!"

"Daisuke's good at food, Takeru!"

It's the childishly high voice that makes Punimon perk and she shushes him. She does not want a Digimon gaggle of noise in the middle of the library. Alone, they were noisy enough.

"He's good at food," says a soft voice in agreement, and Noriko feels her hair stand on end. "But that doesn't mean he's good at taking high school entrance exams."

The childlike voice grumbles. "Why does he gotta take these loud tests anyway?"

Daisuke slams a book down on the nearby table, by the sound of it. "Cause if I don', there's no culinary school and without a license and the way to prove I can earn it, I don't get my cart, Chibimon!"

"Duh," Takeru mutters and there is a sudden cry of "ow" a few seconds later.

Noriko giggles behind the book, even though it really isn't that funny. She thinks she was quiet enough, even though Punimon is bouncing by her other books because he wants some chocolate and _smells _it in somebody's (probably Daisuke's) bag and wants to eat it now!

"Hi, Noriko-chan!"

Her face flushes and almost hits her table, but she represses the urge and looks down from her work. Daisuke is waving a tan hand and his goggles at the same time, like she can't tell who it is or something. Takeru is hiding his amusement behind his arm and Hikari is smiling at her books. Her hair is a little longer now, some held back by a plain pink plastic clip, and it swishes as she looks up to give Noriko a sheepish smile.

Gosh, she's beautiful.

That thought promptly makes Noriko flush with embarrassment and sigh. Thankfully, she's never been one of those girls to be in denial about who she is or what she likes, but it's still awkward to wave at the three of them and put a finger to her lips. Daisuke looks downtrodden and Takeru punches him in the arm.

Hikari laughs at the pair of them. Or maybe it's with them. It's hard to tell by the way the three of them sit together and look at each other.

Something about the moment is so mundane, almost too mundane.

Noriko breaks that feeling by sitting with them.

And letting Punimon eat Daisuke's chocolate. Because that isn't mundane at all.

All things in fun and comfort.

And being close to Hikari doesn't hurt either.


	3. Chapter 3

**_A/N:_**And it is done! Phew. Finally. It's been sitting on my drive for like: ages. Anyway... thank you to readers and reviewers. Please enjoy!

* * *

_III._

When her high school exams come to an end, she is happy and determined to go home and pass out on her bed. Entrance exams are the worst!

Well... they aren't quite as bad as some of her nightmares, but still.

Punimon really doesn't care about exams, though he _wouldn't. _Digimon don't need an education like humans do, which is dumb. It's really dumb.

"Sleepy," he murmurs from her shoulder. She agrees, stepping forward onto the bus. She is followed by a girl with lavender hair and her red bird. Noriko nods at her because that's polite and they _did_ just spend three hours or more on a really long test with few breaks and lots of panicking. Miyako only grunts and sits next to her, leaving her partner to scramble on the bus floor until she yanks him by his wings and winks with guilt at the bus driver as he pulls away. It must be odd for him, Noriko thinks, to see all these people and children with monsters that probably weren't there the last time he applied for a job and now were just part of the regulations, or working to be.

Punimon is too sleepy to really comment, and so is she. It's still odd to think about.

"But Mama-" a voice whines from a nearby seat, and a woman shushes him, sounding angry.

"No buts- we don't have money to get back on the bus!"

"But Poyomon's acting weird!"

Noriko peeks open an eye. There is a little boy with a white blob and it's shaking, the shudders are rather weird to be honest. It was like it wanted to go to the bathroom or something. It did not, however, and merely began to glow white. She instantly flinches, realizing just what that _light _could do to a bus driver. Then, not thinking of Punimon, she snaps from her chair and toward the child, shielding the light from striking the rearview mirror. She doesn't expect it to hurt, but there is a sudden pleasant tingling when her arms wrap around the small child and his partner and the light is just too big and bright for her to contain from sight for a few moments.

People simply look at her and the child with confusion and she doesn't dare open her eyes until the little boy giggles with delight and the pleasant light is gone. Then she steps back and though she doesn't recognize the form that appears in place of it, she is relieved to feel the bus still moving beneath her feet and the driver is not veering off in panic.

"Thanks, Onee-chan," the little boy says before his mother can get a word in edgewise. "He was getting too shiny." He frowns and looks at Punimon, who is rolling over from having fallen on his spikes. "Has yours gotten too shiny yet?"

Noriko scoops Punimon into one arm and shakes her head. "Nah, he's lazy." Punimon protests, loudly, and the mother scowls, an expression that sends a chill down Noriko's spine. From a time when she used to look into the mirror and hate herself. However, she manages a smile at the woman. "Well, he is," she says with a laugh. "He doesn't have to pay taxes or do homework or-"

"Anything boring," her partner finishes, glaring at the mother like she's a bad stain on a futon. The woman looks affronted, but Noriko only laughs a little and bows to the little boy again.

She sits back down, and feels Miyako's eyes on the side of her head. "Didn't you stare at me enough before this?" she asks without looking up.

The girl snorts, somehow amused. "Believe me, you're not that interesting."

"And yet here you are, staring at me," Noriko shoots back. It's easy to be rude to her, or at least, in theory, it is. "Did I handle that situation wrong, then?" She sits against the cold plastic, deciding to give up on being hostile until she was back at home and able to give no cares.

Miyako shrugs. "I don't know. I'm about as good at this as you." Noriko peeks at her through her bangs, and notes the slump in the chair and the way the other girl's clothes are as messy as someone who didn't sleep the night before.

Truce, she decides with reluctance. She wasn't going to let the well-deserved stalking go, but they had both just finished high school exams. It wasn't worth it.

"Woman was piece of work."

Miyako laughs. "A lot of the adults are. And just think, we're going to be the new normal."

Noriko chortles in disbelief and Punimon scowls at Hawkmon for no particular reason.

Somehow, that thought is more disturbing than the idea of the two of them being nice to each other.

…

Their truce lasts until the arrival of their exam scores. Then it's a rivalry, one of close grades and friendships with Ken that Miyako feels a teensy bit threatened by even if she does not admit it.

For the most part, Noriko ignores the latter. For the sake of the glasses' girl leaving her alone more often, Noriko actually seeks more solace in Daisuke as the months pass. He lets her try his flavors of ramen and complains about the homework that really doesn't make sense. (It doesn't, for real!)

She also hears about his friends and about the fond way he looks back on having a childhood crush that is no longer a big deal. She envies that acceptance from him, like a silly fleeting desire can just float away from one person while another pours over it like a well-worn novel for years. It's actually kind of irritating, but she doesn't blame Daisuke for it. He lost something before he accepted Hikari as she was, and it hurts every time he hints at it, so she never asks.

She also takes great pains to ensure he never wonders why she's always asking about her. He probably notices though. He's not as stupid as people think.

The nightmares are still there, and sometimes their snarling voices want to stab Miyako in the throat when the two of them are bickering over cram school exams. But she never does because it isn't worth it to make Ken or any of the others mad at her over it.

Then, of course, Hida Iori asks her out, and all shit hits the fan.

…

She meets this moment with awkwardness and dismay.

Iori is a rough boy, a stubborn fellow that takes a long time to figure out who he is and what he wants and it's very sweet and painfully loyal. And she feels bad about saying no. She feels bad because in terms of love she's known what she's wanted for a very long time. Even before she had a name and a face to put to it, Noriko's always wanted someone with soft edges but a steel core and loyal determination that understands things without words and with them helps Noriko feel better about herself and her incompetence..

Iori has none of these qualities in a way that feels right to her and she feels sad because he defended her when she was weak and vulnerable and after everything was said and done, sometimes went to pray with her and talk about the future. It was nice back then, but it wasn't what she needed now.

Noriko tells him so, as gently as she knows how, which is too harsh for even her, but also as self-deprecating as any adolescent.

"You're a good friend," she says softly. "You are a good friend and you deserve better than what I can give you."

He doesn't cry, but Iori is not the crying type as it is. She feels his sadness and the awkward wall between her stomach and throat threatens to melt into cement and she just stands there.

"I'm sorry, Iori," Noriko tries, even though it likely doesn't mean much of anything.

Iori smiles at her during this. "So am I." He hesitates. "Are we still friends?"

Noriko looks at him aghast. "Of course we are!"

She knows it's not enough to reassure him of that and it hurts as much as the Dark Seed trying to bloom. Noriko ends up leaving in an awkward rush and spends her night so deep in books her eyes cross.

Even when Punimon tries to comfort her, Noriko has the worst chain of nightmares she has had since the age of twelve and her mother can do nothing but try to help her drink tea.

Not even Punimon's transformation into Nyaromon can stop her tears.

…

Miyako does not forgive her.

Noriko doesn't care.

The girl confronts her with a tirade loud enough to get the entire lunch room to look around and Noriko only responds with a slap that every person in the room feels.

"You're Iori-kun's friend," she says, her whole body shaking with compressed rage. "But he can defend himself. He is heartbroken, but I would rather it hurt now, than me string him along later. You know, like you keep doing to Ken-san?"

Because Miyako is popular, and she's popular for the same reason Noriko is not. She is active and loud and easy to get along with. Noriko can be just as passionate and commanding, but prefers the children below her age, prefers the people who are more capable of being taught. And that makes her more likely to slip through the cracks.

She's fine with that, just as Miyako should be fine with her place. Or at least secure it. Her words and actions are everything illogical and wrong with being a Chosen Child, though Noriko will never say so to her face without incredible provocation.

Then again, that day, she almost had.

Instead she says. "Either make a move on Ken-san, or stop bugging him. Stop projecting on Iori-kun. He's a good person, but he's not my person."

Miyako is furious, and Noriko doesn't blame her. It doesn't mean she has to like it. It doesn't mean she has to take everything the girl dishes out. They were never friends, after all.

She shouldn't feel so bad.

But she does.

Even when, three weeks later, Ken is flushing pink and fiddling with a small card while telling her about a date, Noriko's guilt doesn't ease.

It doesn't ease until Miyako beats her test score in math, and then she's ready to smash the other's face into the nearest window for being so smug.

It's never easygoing between them, but after that, she hopes things might get easier.


End file.
